My mobility has deteriorated over the past couple of months. Once again I find myself on the NHS waiting list, worsening whist I wait for a specialist to help.
At home I am doing what I can, more psychologically, trying to keep my mind active and happy - the more sad I feel, the more pain hurts. But it seems to be a battle at the moment. My other half is preparing for a competition and has a strict diet and training regime.
I am trying really hard so I don't weigh him down with my illness and make him feel sad or upset about my situation, but today when all I wanted to do was see a friend, he became cranky and snappy. Hours later as I sit here typing, I am not even sure what happened and why the conversation turned sour. Whilst he is off training, I am left feeling guilty that I wanted to do something for myself, guilty that I feel so negative towards him and feel really sad. I feel I am trying hard for a relationship as it goes through this period and not to dwell on my own problems. It just feels it has been thrown back in my face.
I avoid telling friends because this seems so trivial yet in my heart it takes up so much room. If I speak to anyone, in their mind I know they will think differently of him. In a few more hours I am sure these emotions will dwindle and I will wonder why I felt this way.
But right now, I just need to air myself. Thanks for listening.
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