Thinking Is not an option!

I am sat in front of my iPad trying to think of stories, but somethings gone missing, I've been robbed of my ideas. For years I have wanted to write children's books. I have stacks of ideas I've started, half written stories, scribbling and notes. 

But In these past few months I just can't think. I have no ideas. I have lost the excitement for it. I am surrounded by fatigue and a dizzy head. Thinking has left me.

Is it the drugs, the fibromyalgia, pain? Whatever it is, I need to get my thinking back. I want to write. I need a way to get focuses.

Pain is Winning

I've woken up this morning and the pain in my back is winning. I can't lie down or sit down. It's as if the pain wants to stretch my entire body out. I presently need to be an elastic band and stretch myself to the brink and then let go!

This is a pain I do experience almost daily, but today it is much more intense.

It's now creeping into my arms making them numb and causing my hands to tingle and go cold.

Where did this come from it makes no sense. I'm off to do more stretching.

Road of Evil Numbers

There's an advert on telly at the moment, I can't remember which car it's advertising - a car drives along a road and the tarmac is made of numbers.
I find this rather haunting. That was what my world looked like. Everything created of numbers.

I remember walking along the pavement and the numbers consistently shouted in my head. I had to stand on a pavement slab a certain way and at a certain number. Drains, cracks and pavement edging were my enemy!

If I didn't get the right number at the right point on the pavement or road, I would be filled with feeling bad, that evil feeling that would punish me.

There are more memories but at the moment pain is winning and I can't think straight.

Theories of Pain!!!

Pain is weird and makes no sense, the majority of time there's no pattern. One morning you can wake up feeling super and another day I need assistance getting out of bed. One moment I can be walking long feeling good, in a split second my walking can becomes painful and I need a wheelchair!!. 

But if you speak to any professional  - whether in alternative medicine/therapies or the more traditional routes - they will all have an explanation as to why you are suffering with pain. They all have their theory but if they were all right, why am I still having so many problems.

GPs, I've personally noticed, want to fill me with drugs and send me on my way. Others I've seen: Reflexologist, Chiropractors, Osteopaths, Massage... whether these professionals I've seen actually cared or just wanted my money is anyone's guess (I'm crap at judging characters). The problem is we have to trust these professionals as thay are meant to have the knowledge and, when we feel so desperate for help, at that particular moment you feel you don't have another option but to trust what they tell you.

Before you attempt a particular route of therapy always do your research: read reviews, speak to their clients, google away and go by recommendation.

And remember what works for person doesn't work for everyone.

There is no other option but to try everything and find a path that will reduce pain (I'm talking to myself here too). Keep going. It is hard to decide who to trust and listen too, but keep trying things out as something will work. Don't loose heart and definitely do not believe you have to live in this painful way, there is always something out there, I'm still trying to find my route and have someone explain why these thing are happening to my body and how to reduce pain.

The Truth Is Out There!!!! (somewhere) 

The Evil OCD Count

There was no reason why the following should have happened.......

I got the dogs all out of the car, and they all decided it would be great fun to run riot around the neighbours gardens. When I finally herded the pooches into the house, I closed the door to go to the car to get my bag.

It was at this moment as I picked up my bags that the counting started; I had to get to number 8, it that didn't feel right I have to count to 8, 8 times before I can pick up the bags.

It was like someone had flicked at a switch and suddenly all the counting became 'bad'. All the counting is evil. Whatever number I finished at would be bad, there was no 'good' feelings at all. This happened all very quickly (over a few seconds) but it has left me feeling that 'bad' feeling that something terrible will happen all because I couldn't reach a good 8!!!!

I coud have been out there for sometime trying to count, but firstly the neighbours may think I am slightly weird secondly, I didn't want to keep counting. So I didn't.

The OCD is still with me, but I can stand up to the bully more now.

Online Courses Rule!!!

This is just a quick one to say I've been attempting online courses. I am terribly slow and have to listen numerous times. But loving it. It's a new challenge plus it's lifting my confidence - it's making me feel good about myself.

If you're feeling low or confidence lacks or you're at home and don't know what to do with yourself please give it a try. Challenge yourself you will be amazed how fab it makes you feel.

These are some of the places to try:

www.udemy.com