I feel so horrible...........

Today, I thought, I shall not write a blog. I won't say anything about my husband nor whinge about my situation. But the husband arrives home from work, and i get smacked straight in the heart with all these different emotions.
I feel a heaviness that I am a hindrance
I feel guilt for adding emotions to others
I feel a nuisance asking for help
I feel I need praise (I was chuffed I got dressed and put some washing in the machine)
I want to be identified for doing a good job being an ill person - for still trying to get on with the day and work and achieve minor things.
I never really felt I needed gratification before, just doing a good job and getting on with things made me feel good about myself.

Now I feel this weight of emotions. Am I Still me or have I turned into someone horrible.

Thanks my secret listener for letting me whine. One day the positive things will be voiced, right now I just need tell you about the negative. xxx

I really could do with a chat.............

Hi, sorry me again, I really feel like I could do with a chat. Once again feeling quite teary.

Yesterday, I was aware that my husband had broken down on the phone with his boss when he was asked how I was. I didn't realise his boss had told him to take today off work. This is fine, this morning I helped with some prep for the forthcoming competition - but as the day unfolds whatever I am saying seems to be the wrong thing. I am trying to keep the atmosphere light and relaxed but whatever I say is being met with somewhat abrupt responses. I feel I am just in the way.

Yesterday we talked about me going to stay with family for a couple of days to give him a break; the way I feel I just want to stay in my own bed, but now I feel I should go, I feel like I am being shunned from the only environment I have. I am feeling so rough I don't want to go anywhere.

I feel so isolated and alone when I am with him. But when I am on my own I feel relief, selfishly because I don't have to cope with any other emotions but my own. I am happy on my own. I am happy listening to bad 80's music, write and watch terrible films. I am happy to potter about during the few minutes I have on my feet. But when he is around I instantly feel guilt, a hindrance, someone who is causing him to feel so much more instead of just concentrating on his competition.

Now I just feel hollow. Maybe I am just selfish not wanting to feel any of his sadness, I just keep wanting to feeling happy.

Thanks for listening, time pull myself back up again. x

Arrgggggh.......stop getting fat body

One more scream.....aaaaarrrrggghhhh. I have attempted to take the dog for a walk this morning. Before you continue reading...WARNING THIS A WHINGEY WHINE

I attempted to take the dog for a walk, after I dropped some bits over to a friends. It was raining (surprise, surprise) but I just wanted to walk. We parked up, found a little path to follow, got a few yards and my walking went tits up. The pain increased immensely, I started walking like a clown and we abandoned it.

I just want to walk and this stupid bloody illness has taken away one of my favourite things. Every day I can feel myself getting fatter and my stomach ballooning up from whatever I eat. Each mouthful I take I can feel the blubber expanding around my arse and hips.

Is it really so much, to ask my body to just put one front in front of the other and walk without this tremendous pain.

I am now in bed because the pain and fatigue beat the crap out of me.

It's time to start plotting and taking action about the excess blubber and the fitness side. Today's attempted walk highlighted how quickly things are deteriorating. Okay body, this is war, I will not get fat. I will not get unfit.

First I will sleep and then decide upon my strategy. This is war.