I really could do with a chat.............

Hi, sorry me again, I really feel like I could do with a chat. Once again feeling quite teary.

Yesterday, I was aware that my husband had broken down on the phone with his boss when he was asked how I was. I didn't realise his boss had told him to take today off work. This is fine, this morning I helped with some prep for the forthcoming competition - but as the day unfolds whatever I am saying seems to be the wrong thing. I am trying to keep the atmosphere light and relaxed but whatever I say is being met with somewhat abrupt responses. I feel I am just in the way.

Yesterday we talked about me going to stay with family for a couple of days to give him a break; the way I feel I just want to stay in my own bed, but now I feel I should go, I feel like I am being shunned from the only environment I have. I am feeling so rough I don't want to go anywhere.

I feel so isolated and alone when I am with him. But when I am on my own I feel relief, selfishly because I don't have to cope with any other emotions but my own. I am happy on my own. I am happy listening to bad 80's music, write and watch terrible films. I am happy to potter about during the few minutes I have on my feet. But when he is around I instantly feel guilt, a hindrance, someone who is causing him to feel so much more instead of just concentrating on his competition.

Now I just feel hollow. Maybe I am just selfish not wanting to feel any of his sadness, I just keep wanting to feeling happy.

Thanks for listening, time pull myself back up again. x