Stuck In a Rut

It's been 6 weeks since surgery and for some reason I am still hiding my thoughts away. I wanted to start talking more about my experience but when I do I bore myself. Illness and disability surrounds yourself and your body and as I start talking about the pain and the guilt all I can think is 'SHUT UP, BOOOORING . But at the same time I want to share what has happened.

I am watching James Martin's Meet The Street and today's episode shows people who suffer with ME and Fibromyalgia. I feel for these people - they have got themselves stuck into a rut. I don't think life has to be so closed up, so sad and so isolated.
There are so many things that are positive about the illness.

Life has so many opportunities from your lap. We have the world wide web that offers us so much now than it ever has before.

Being ill, one has to concentrate on what you can do than what you can't do. You don't have to be in a rut.... there is a way out.

Getting out of the house after a 12 month housebound stint and I am reminded how amazing and beautiful the world is. Life is so exciting and so much to do.

Please don't feel alone and isolated there is so much out there for you to do. I really want to help you.

Stay in touch xxx

Time Will Tell

After my second I feel a huge amount of excitement. I was so excited today to put clothes in the washing machine and generally potter around the house doing basic tasks.

I am really looking forward to going around the shops and clothes shopping and food shopping and actually poking items instead of trusting the internet and the lovely people who pick my shopping for me at Asda.

But there is a fear deep in the pit of my stomach that keeps reminding me; is this it? Are there any more hurdle to come?

After 13 years of consistent pain at varying levels one wonders will anything else happen to my body. I believe I can handle whatever comes my way, I believe I have discovered strength in myself I never knew existed. But what about others? Can they cope with future setbacks? Can they cope seeing me in pain?

These are all ifs, buts and maybes and may not occur at all. So time will tell............

Big toe has left the crip in bed!!!!

This evening I had a slight fall in the garden, caused by the big toe, nothing serious but, once again, it has left me flat on my back. It wouldn't feel so bad except, the help this evening is minimal and comes with frustration.
When this happens should I expect anything from anyone? Is it my right to have assistance?
I feel guilty, because mobility is at a minimum and pain levels are increased yet the the first couple of things I asked for were fine. And then once I got into bed and I needed help with the dog I heard huffs.
When one is ill, should a certain amount of expectation exist? Should I expect to be asked if I'm ok? I heard food being cooked and yet have not been asked if I need anything, Or even asked if I'm ok. I am very selfish for thinking that I should be looked after this evening, is it expectation, wanting or hope?

Then other times when I don't need as much help and am offered when I refuse, I am met with huffs for not asking for help. Are you with me so far?

I don't know if this makes sense, but I have tried to teach myself not to ask for help, it's much easier to cope on my own as I don't feel any emotion or type of expectation. I won't feel disappointed by anyone and I don't rely on anyone.

When I called for help and he was on the phone there was no type of rush to check on my welfare. What's happened? Not that I want sympathetic words but just a little stroke on the head and a nod of positivity just to lie it out.

I sound a whinger tonight, and don't know if I have right to feel this way. I can't help wonder if you asked him about this evening if he has any thought of me, or any idea of the emotion running through my veins.

I feel so horrible...........

Today, I thought, I shall not write a blog. I won't say anything about my husband nor whinge about my situation. But the husband arrives home from work, and i get smacked straight in the heart with all these different emotions.
I feel a heaviness that I am a hindrance
I feel guilt for adding emotions to others
I feel a nuisance asking for help
I feel I need praise (I was chuffed I got dressed and put some washing in the machine)
I want to be identified for doing a good job being an ill person - for still trying to get on with the day and work and achieve minor things.
I never really felt I needed gratification before, just doing a good job and getting on with things made me feel good about myself.

Now I feel this weight of emotions. Am I Still me or have I turned into someone horrible.

Thanks my secret listener for letting me whine. One day the positive things will be voiced, right now I just need tell you about the negative. xxx

I really could do with a chat.............

Hi, sorry me again, I really feel like I could do with a chat. Once again feeling quite teary.

Yesterday, I was aware that my husband had broken down on the phone with his boss when he was asked how I was. I didn't realise his boss had told him to take today off work. This is fine, this morning I helped with some prep for the forthcoming competition - but as the day unfolds whatever I am saying seems to be the wrong thing. I am trying to keep the atmosphere light and relaxed but whatever I say is being met with somewhat abrupt responses. I feel I am just in the way.

Yesterday we talked about me going to stay with family for a couple of days to give him a break; the way I feel I just want to stay in my own bed, but now I feel I should go, I feel like I am being shunned from the only environment I have. I am feeling so rough I don't want to go anywhere.

I feel so isolated and alone when I am with him. But when I am on my own I feel relief, selfishly because I don't have to cope with any other emotions but my own. I am happy on my own. I am happy listening to bad 80's music, write and watch terrible films. I am happy to potter about during the few minutes I have on my feet. But when he is around I instantly feel guilt, a hindrance, someone who is causing him to feel so much more instead of just concentrating on his competition.

Now I just feel hollow. Maybe I am just selfish not wanting to feel any of his sadness, I just keep wanting to feeling happy.

Thanks for listening, time pull myself back up again. x

Arrgggggh.......stop getting fat body

One more scream.....aaaaarrrrggghhhh. I have attempted to take the dog for a walk this morning. Before you continue reading...WARNING THIS A WHINGEY WHINE

I attempted to take the dog for a walk, after I dropped some bits over to a friends. It was raining (surprise, surprise) but I just wanted to walk. We parked up, found a little path to follow, got a few yards and my walking went tits up. The pain increased immensely, I started walking like a clown and we abandoned it.

I just want to walk and this stupid bloody illness has taken away one of my favourite things. Every day I can feel myself getting fatter and my stomach ballooning up from whatever I eat. Each mouthful I take I can feel the blubber expanding around my arse and hips.

Is it really so much, to ask my body to just put one front in front of the other and walk without this tremendous pain.

I am now in bed because the pain and fatigue beat the crap out of me.

It's time to start plotting and taking action about the excess blubber and the fitness side. Today's attempted walk highlighted how quickly things are deteriorating. Okay body, this is war, I will not get fat. I will not get unfit.

First I will sleep and then decide upon my strategy. This is war.

Ooops..... heart sinks again

This morning I have been asked to help him - which I am happy to do. Problem being every time I am, I'm receiving little abrupt comments which stab straight into my heart. I am trying to keep laughing and playing because this morning, on a personal level, I looked at my body and felt disgusted at the shape and the pain feels like a troll is hanging off my back after he took a rolling pin and battered my body.

These little comments would they really bother me if I wasn't ill? Would I just brush them aside and answer him back if I had more strength? At the moment each one clings to me with the troll and each from each stab my heart is now sinking.

Better plug in the laptop battery is running low.

Thanks for letting me have a whingey whine, again. x

Crazy Emotions

Yesterday, after feeling so low and negative, within hours I felt so much better. Emotions can be so intense and burst into you heart or mind so quickly and take over your body.
Now I feel like an absolute horror for feeling the way I did towards my other half. Today we are laughing and smiling, although I can not help reduce this guilty feeling I possess because of the way I feel towards him sometimes: when he is snappy, short tempered and gets annoyed, at what I believe are the most menial things.

This he said how nice I was for understanding him and what he is doing and apologised for all the above; all I could think was what an absolute horrid wife I am.

Oh well, all is well for the time being, until the next explosive episode of crazy emotions. I could just do with an episode of Midsomer Murders.

Thanks for letting me have a whine. x

Housebound Blues

My mobility has deteriorated over the past couple of months. Once again I find myself on the NHS waiting list, worsening whist I wait for a specialist to help.

At home I am doing what I can, more psychologically, trying to keep my mind active and happy - the more sad I feel, the more pain hurts. But it seems to be a battle at the moment. My other half is preparing for a competition and has a strict diet and training regime.

I am trying really hard so I don't weigh him down with my illness and make him feel sad or upset about my situation, but today when all I wanted to do was see a friend, he became cranky and snappy. Hours later as I sit here typing, I am not even sure what happened and why the conversation turned sour. Whilst he is off training, I am left feeling guilty that I wanted to do something for myself, guilty that I feel so negative towards him and feel really sad. I feel I am trying hard for a relationship as it goes through this period and not to dwell on my own problems. It just feels it has been thrown back in my face.

I avoid telling friends because this seems so trivial yet in my heart it takes up so much room. If I speak to anyone, in their mind I know they will think differently of him. In a few more hours I am sure these emotions will dwindle and I will wonder why I felt this way.

But right now, I just need to air myself. Thanks for listening.